I miss having a face... another one of those days,

I hate looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I swore that I would never be one of those pregnant ladies who just let themselves go... and here I am, I have let myself go. I was going to eat right and just resist temptation, and I was only going to gain 20 pounds... 30 at the most. Well now I have gained twice that amount. I remember complaining sooo much before about how fat I was, and how unattractive I was, now I can't wait for the baby to get here that way I can get back into my old jeans and look normal again. I know that it isn't going to be easy, but I am really determined. I know what you are thinking , "Why don't you stop eating cheeseburgers now if you are so determined?" The answer to that is, that I don't care right now. I am going to get fat anyways so I am going to enjoy it! Not to mention I am pregnant.. I feel like crap... eating is one of the few pleasures left in life and I am not going to take that away from me and baby! He loves the cheeseburgers too. I have also acquired a new friend or friends I should say, stretch marks. UGhhh, I was not supposed to get them.. my mom didn't have them, my grandma didn't have them... so why do I have them??? Stupid ugly stretch marks :'(

I also have acne like never before, I don't think that my skin has ever looked this bad, and acne isn't the right word, it is like a rash all around my mouth and nose, dry, red, itchy skin! I can't get it to go away no matter what I use. I am hoping that it is just hormonal... it will go away... please God let it go away. My hair is not long and shiny and pretty, it is like frizzy straw and doesn't cooperate with me at all. I am pale, my nails aren't growing... DID I GET ANY OF THE PERKS OF BEING PREGNANT! I don't think so. I think I got everything. I am just waiting for the hemmoroids (sp?).

As much as I am whining trust me, I am still excited about the baby. 30 weeks down and 12 more to go... they are going to fly.

Getting closer and closer..

And of course I think you all know what I am talking about. My eyesight is getting worse, my belly is growing, and I am grumpier and grumpier all of the time. I have no patience for anything anymore and I don't mind showing it. Everyone forgives the angry pregnant lady right? Moving on though, I am getting really anxious and excited about the baby coming. The more and more little Liam is kicking and moving around the more and more I realize that "OMG I am going to be a mommy!" I can't wait either. I am sure that my tune will change a little bit when he comes, I might want him to go back in. I am just hoping that he is a good little baby who likes to sleep alot like his mommy and daddy did (James and I were and still are very good sleepers). I can't wait to see what he looks like too. I am going to get another sonogram at 34 weeks and it will be in 3-D, and I will get a dvd! YAY! I didn't have that at my old doctors office, they couldn't make a tape or DVD or anything. Well, I don't have a whole lot more to say than this. Kinda a pointless blog but truth be told there are just too many feelings to list and it is really hard to describe what you are going through when you are about to be a new parent.

Guys and Girls... we really are from different planets

Recently, I have been thinking about how much men and women are polar opposites. I wonder how anyone makes a successful relationship when the differences between the two sexes are so extreme. Using the word "make" was completely intentional, a loving relationship does not just happen. You have to work really hard and sometimes things that are of upmost importance to you HAVE to be compromised. Like, I am very much a girl when it comes to emotions. Highly sensitive and very intune, whereas James is very much a guy... just the opposite. Here is an example of a typical conversation between the both of us:

Me: How was your day?
James: Not so good.
Me: What happend?
James: Nothing...
Me: Well something must have happend to make it a bad day.
James: I just had a bad day why do you have to question everything?!?
Me: I am just trying to talk to you.
James: I just really hate this guy at work, he is an ass.
Me: I'm sorry. What did he do to you?
James: He is just a douche...
Me: Why?
James: OMG HE JUST IS...WHY ARE YOU INTERROGATING ME?
Me: *sobs*
James: *sighs*

Ok. So here you see the female in me prying for hows and whys...aka feelings, things guys DON'T talk about... they have feelings they just can't interpret them like we can, this I am still learning. Here is how the conversation would have gone the opposite way:

James: How was your day?
Me: Not so good.
James: What happend?
Me: Well, I said hi to this girl and work and she didn't say hi back, and all day
long she just had this major attitude with me and it made me feel so low.I don't understand what I did!
James: Uh-huh... sorry...
Me: Anyways... (converstaion continues about girl who was rude)
James: (all the while) Uh-huh, yah , uh-huh

See this is James' attempt to start a conversation and fill my need to talk about everything... but he gets more than he bargained for what he was expecting was:

James: How was your day?
Me: Sucked...
James: Why?
Me: It just did
James: Oh... sorry
*conversation ends*

That is why I say that girls and guys are so different. A girl can tell you what is wrong, why it's wrong, how it's wrong... A guy will just say "My day was crappy" and expect to get "That sucks" because that is how his buddy will answer him. Girls (including myself) have an unrealistic expectation for their male counterparts. They aren't like us, they don't think like we do, and they sure as hell don't bitch like we do. But I have always thought of feelings and opinions as being very important. So here is the compromise, I am getting over the fact that James can't tell me why everything is the way it is with him. And when I really think about it I don't want two girls in the relationship. Imagine him coming home crying because his boss yelled at him and he just felt like he was made a fool of in front of all of his co-workers.. not to say that it isn't ok for a man to cry, but not like that. I like the fact that he is masculine, he can have a bad day and just be moody, I don't really have to do a lot of consoling, and most of the time I think he likes it better that way anyhow because he doesn't really want to talk about it.

Now, for the males, You also have an unrealistic expectation when it comes to women. You think that you can ask us how our day was and we are going to react the same way that you do... wrong! Just know that if you ask, you shall receive. We are going to unload and then we are going to expect you to be good little listeners, and when we want feedback you better be on the same page and give us something... even if it is just a "I can't believe she said that..." Also, you have to understand that alot of times we don't mean what we say. Women have a bad habit of "testing" their men. "Oh don't get me anything for my birthday..." when we say that this is what we mean, "If you don't get me something then you are going to be getting nothing for the next month (and you know what I mean)." or when we are crying and upset and we say, "Leave me alone" what we mean is "I am mad, I want you to stay, but I am too stubborn to admit it.." Yah it is messed up and confusing, what is wrong with women, just say what you mean... We don't though, we are seeing if you can tell how we really feel, or if you care enough to get a birthday present when we say don't, or if we say to go but you choose to stay, it just proves that you aren't going anywhere, even when we are being irrational and crazy... It is alot to ask, but you have to comply. And don't even start to think that all women aren't like this... deep down we all have the crazies, it just varies on how much and what kind. This is your compromise.

In the end, even though it seems like to beings made so differently shouldn't mesh together we do. We have to see all the good, and realize that it far outweighs the bad. I love a man to hold and support me, and to be there for me. I love the play-fights we have, I love the debates, I love the way you make fun of me when I am being difficult and make my voice sound like that of the wicked witch of the west, whereas I make you sound like a caveman... it makes me laugh! I hope that you love the way I love to take care of you, my feminine touch, and yes, the fact that I have some form of a brain and even though it drives you crazy that I have an opinion and I want to share it with you. This is my relationship (not everything, just a few small details) and this is love. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Age old question...

Why are women so crazy? It is like we have this huge insecurity with ourselves and it makes it really hard to just relax and enjoy life... We are especially dramatic when we are young, or at least that is what I am going to chalk it up to considering the fact that I think I am crazy. James is out with his friend Danny... if you knew Danny then I wouldn't even have to explain, but since I know the only people who read this blog don't know Danny here we go... Danny has a girlfriend, Danny doesn't care that he has a girlfriend, if something better came along then Danny would drop that girlfriend faster than hot iron. Danny and James are at a pool hall. I know that James goes there to hang out with his friends, but I also know that when guys get around their friends they don't act the same as when they are around their girlfriends, as a matter of fact, sorry guys, most of you turn into downright assholes. I know that lots of girls hang out at this particular pool hall, and they aren't the nasty kind that you would expect to see there, most of them are cute college girls... should I be worried NO, but there is that crazy thing that I was talking about. When someone is gone for a long enough period of time and you are sitting at home alone then your mind starts to wonder and I start to think, "I wonder what he is doing? I wonder when he'll be home? Doesn't he want to see me?" The longer and longer that the clock ticks away at you the more and more you start to think things that you shouldn't. Not to say that I don't trust James, I do. I am talking more about the "What if something happend to him?" scenario, and Ok so I do wonder who he is hanging out with too. He can lie all he wants and tell me that it was just him and Danny but like I said if you knew Danny then you would know that when you hang out with him you are pretty much hanging out with 10 other people that you dont' know.

I guess that I just don't get it. I feel like I sit my ass at home, every night, and I don't think that that's fair that I am doing this alone. I feel like James doesn't really understand how hard it is to grow a little person, especially when you feel like your other half is not with you 100%. I know that James cares about me and the baby, he has told me time and time again, and he shows me that he loves us, but I feel like it is only some of the time, not all of the time. Every decision that I make is so that I can make life better for my baby and my family. I don't go to parties, I don't go to bars, I quit smoking, I save money, I take my lunch to work everyday... I know I know... woe is me I need to stop bitching! The whole point is, I want to see that coming from James too. He still has not grown up yet. I grew up the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have someone else to be responsible for now and it is my job to take care of that person... I guess that guys feel like this is the last 9 months that they can goof off and then when the baby comes they show a little more responsibility. I don't think that is fair! What if something was to happen to James, like say he is leaving the bar the same time that a person who has had one too many is leaving, that person crashes into him and he dies... where does that leave me and the baby. I told him that he DOES NOT have the right to die anymore.

I guess alot of this is stress stemming from the fact that my Grandaddy has just found out that he has colon cancer. It am not so upset because he is not well, of course I am upset he is the only grandfather that I have ever had, what I mean is it is just really hard to watch my family fall apart. Everyone is already planning his funeral and walking around depressed like he is dead, HE ISN'T! That is what I told my mom, it is okay to be upset, but don't start to think the worst when we are just getting started with his treatment. I think if I was not well, I certainly wouldn't want everyone crying all the time wondering how many days I had left. I just wish that it wasn't my Grandddy, it is like watching the roots being torn away from a great family tree and seeing the mighty thing die. I know that we will make it through this Better or worse. I hope that one day, I will make a family as great as the one that I have now, and that I will be able to do as much for it as my Grandaddy has done for all of us. I don't know a better man, and I don't think that I ever will.

Another one of those things that I can't stand....

Today I got an e-mail and it went something like this:


Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!

Make a personal reflection about this....

Very interesting, read un til the end.....
It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):



"Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.



Here are some men and women
who mocked God :



John Lennon (Singer):

Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he
said:

"Christianity will end, it will disappear.
I do not have to argue about
that. I am certain.

Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous
than Him" (1966).

Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus
Christ,
was shot six times.



Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from
his
party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.

Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made
President,
then he died.




Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):



During A show in Canecio (Rio de Janeiro ),

while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and
said:
"God, that's for you."

He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.



The man who built the Titanic

After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the
Titanic
would be.

With an ironic tone he said:
"Not even God can sink it"

The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic .



Marilyn Monroe (Actress)

She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her.
After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:
"I don't need your Jesus"

A week later, she was found dead in her apartment .

Bon Scott (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
"Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell".

On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been
choked
by his own vomit.

Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a
friend.....

The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the
drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter holding her
hand,
who was already seated in the car:

"My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.."
She responded: "Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside
Here.....It's Already Full "

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal
accident,
everyone had died,
the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but
surprisingly, the trunk was intact.

The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact.
To
their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken .

Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer) said the Bible
(Word
of God) was the worst book ever written.

In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle
.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name
that
was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.

Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still
alive .

"Jesus"

It makes me so mad when I get stuff like this. Personally it makes me think that the whole Christian religion is one giant contradiction. They preach that God is loving and forgiving... and then send shit like this making God look like a vengeful tyrant asshole. I don't think that God would sink the Titanic and kill all of the innocent people on board because of what one douche said. Not to mention people like Frederick Nietzche (sp?) said things like "Christianity is an immortal blemish on all of mankind" and he lived a long life... even if he did have a mental breakdown. People just pick and choose who they want to exploit for their beliefs (and I love that all of these people were ,of course, bi-sexual, drug abusers, or dirty politicians) and don't look at the whole picture... You know Hitler was a christian, Mel Gibson is a "christian", and all of those conquistadors and knights on crusades killed thousands of innocent people in the name of God, but you don't see me sending a freakin' e-mail saying that God kills. It makes me mad, I don't judge you for loving God, don't judge me if I think "God is Dead."

Myself... I am not ruling out the possibility of a God, but I think that today's religion is just a form of control. I think that is there was a God and he loved his children as much as everyone said that he did, he wouldn't make a place like Hell, people in power make places like Hell as a way to keep everyone living in fear. I don't think that it is right to believe in something only because you are afraid of the consequences for not believing, I have a feeling that that is what most Christians are... Only say a prayer when they want something, and only go to church so that they can look good and be socially acceptable, but they are falling asleep in the pew, dreaming about which IHOP they are going to go to after the preacher stops blabbing about loving your neighbor and all that crap (their thoughts not mine... I don't thinking loving your neighbor is crap). I am not saying that all christain people are like this. I know many honest to goodness christians who practice what they preach and really do love God... I just know more of the other kind. I think that unfortunately we all do!

My Poor, sore belly

At work again, and feeling mighty crappy at that. The baby has been kicking sooo much that now it actually hurts. I can't complain though, I want him to kick that way I know everything is ok. I am already figuring out his sleep patterns... Sleep early in the morning, kick on and off all night, awake at around 9-10 am, sleeps all during lunch, wakes up in the late afternoon (but sleeps in car)... sleeps through dinner... wakes up during 8-9 p.m. sleeps a little, and then wakes up again on and off all night. I know that will not be his exact pattern when he gets here, but I am mighty proud that my little man already organizes his sleepy times IN THE WOMB (and he really does... I am not making it up...). He is also a fabulous dancer. I saw it in the ultrasound from 8 weeks.. to 16 weeks... to 23 weeks... He loves to jump around, he likes the more Coldplay, Keane sounding music. He is also a fan of Augustana. I think he just likes whatever sounds nice. He would probably start kicking if I put on the Wiggles or Barney too. I am going to get into letting him listen to Classical Music. I am hoping that he will be artistic, whereas I think that James is hoping for the next Tom Brady (what Dad doesn't hope for the next Tom Brady). If he is like most of the boys in my family, he will have that creative gene. Uncle Matthew plays piano, Grandaddy writes poetry, Papa John plays the guitar and sings. If he gets the Howard genes, he will be that little All Star.. James' side is all about football, soccer, little league, and boyscouts. I think that if he has a nice mix of both that would be perfect. NO FOOTBALL, however... it is too dangerous. Like I said though, whatever he chooses to do, I can't wait to be front and center watching. Ok, enough of my mommy babble which no one really wants to read or hear anyways.

HE PASSED!

Yay, yay, yay, James passed his Tabe Test and the Mechanical Test. All that is left is the physical agility test! I can't believe this is actually happening for him, I mean I have all the faith in the world in him, but he's just had everything so hard that it is so amazing to have something go right for once. I think that he is going to get hired at this better Job! He will have more vacation time, more benefits, a little more money to start, and so much room to move up. That means that in a year or so we should be able to move out of my mom's and find an apartment (hopefully a house) of our own.

Late Night Thoughts

I was helping James study for his test tommorow, I am really excited about it. He says that he is confident and that makes me confident! It is one step closer to a better job and a better life for our family. When I say "our family" I really get taken aback. It is so weird how much someone's life can change in an instant. Last year this time James was asking me for my number at the movie theater, today I am not working three part-time jobs, I have a benefits and vacation time, I have moved out and moved back in with my mom and brought my boyfriend back for the ride this time, oh yah and there is that whole thing with me being knocked up and all ; ) !

We just celebrated my Grandpa's birthday this past Sunday, my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Burt were in town. It always makes me a little sad when they come. Just because everytime they are here I feel like the girl who went wrong. My Aunt Shirley just loves my cousin Celia. I can't blame her, I mean who could resist falling in love with her. She is the sweetest, smartest, and the most beautiful person I know inside and out (well I know a few other girls too Kari, Melinda, but this is an anecdote and you all weren't here)... I just get jealous that's all. I mean the last time that Aunt Shirley came she raved over all the grandchildren... but me. She was all about how talented they were, how much they had accomplished, and how they all had such great futures ahead of them... they do, it's true. I am just tired of being the one who you don't want to end up like. The one who took the year off of school and now her life is over. No one thinks that I am a loser by any means, but I don't feel like a lot of the older people in my family (grandma age and such) have a whole lot of faith in me anymore. It is not like I am not going to do anything with my life after the baby is born,I am taking on the hardest job of them all... motherhood. Just because you don't make six figures and have a college degree doesn't make you any less of a person than someone who does. I just wish people would see a little more potential in me too, even if it is just being a great mommy. I have gotten over the looks that I get from people who see that I am huge with the pregnant belly, but I don't have a ring on my finger, I have also decided to let go of the people at work who don't want to talk to me anymore because they are so "Holy" that just saying hi or smiling at me might mean that they are starting a relationship with the devil. I know this is just my pregger bitching but I think that it feels good to put yourself out there and not hold any of your feelings back. I don't have any regrets about the choices that I made. They are not what I planned, but things happen and I couldn't be happier with where I am in my life. They are worse things than being pregnant (as a matter of fact I think there is nothing more beautiful or difficult... not even med school). I could be a crack-head... there is nothing good about that. I think as long as I am doing the right thing for me , my baby, my boyfriend, our family, our families (you know who you are) what could be better?

Agh, I hope that I don't make anyone mad by writing this. Sorry if I am being a drama queen. I can't help but to say how I feel. Now, I want chocolate, I am thinking about not posting this... but I changed me mind well here goes

Now, I can't stop crying

It is way past my bedtime! I am exhausted. I can't sleep due to stress though. I am am just so tired after Wednesday's eventful day at work. I had to talk to an endless amount of parents and I am just so worried about everything. I have this ENORMOUS (ap?) list of kids that I have to talk to Dr. Archer about and then call them tommorow, or Friday. I know that she is going to be mad at me for not just having them write it down, but I can't help it. I want to do everything that I can to make sure that they are happy and I just feel like a total loser because I don't have all the answers. I wish that I had formal training so that I could really help all of these babies. I just want to do well so badly that it is killing me, and I am trying really hard to stop crying as I type this. I need to go to college and get my degree in something that could really do some good in the world. I have wanted to be a teacher for some time now, and I think that that is really where my heart is. It is a hard job, but I think that I would fair better in a job where I didn't piss people off so much. I am also tired of the extra work load that I am getting because the new girl doesn't know how to do anything. She is giving me all the work that guidance is supposed to be getting and telling me that it is MY job to do this and that... I don't know where she is getting that from, but if I am doing everything that is supposed to be going on over there, then what is she doing all day? Anyways, this is a really boring blog and I don't want to talk anymore, I am just going to go cry on my pillow

I can't stop eating chocolate!

I am at work and I am sitting at my desk... I have only been here for like 30 minutes and already I am into the bag to mini-milky ways, snickers, and twix bars. Mrs. Wagoner gave me the bag to put into the candy dish for everyone, but I have already filled the candy jar... so it is just sitting in my desk. There is no reason to waste the candy... It is sooooooo good! Right now I am in crazy pregger mode. I am tired and hungry all the time. I am also an emotional wreck, yesterday when James and I went to WalMart the checkout lady was taking so long that I actually had fantasies about bashing her head in with her price checker. I also wanted to throw my ONE item at the lady who was buying everything in the grocery section of the store, and I am not kidding. When I picked my line (they were all too long) I only saw a few groceries in the basket in front of us, and then the person in front of her had quite a few things but still not a huge deal. I was so wrong! What I didn't see was the other two baskets the woman in front had next to her. Red Skirt woman in front had 3 baskets FULL of food. What the hell does she need that much food for? Is she expecting a bomb to go off, is she stocking up the shelter. What the hell is wrong with people. You know she will never eat all of that, or the people that I am hoping she was buying it for. I understand one cart full of crap but THREE! and I mean she couldn't even fit everything into 3 really well, she should have gotten 4 carts. What I am really wanting to know is how the hell she pushed 3 carts of food around the store? I guess she filled up and then dropped them off at the register... I hate WalMart. It is the most evil place on Earth. I hate that their prices are so low that you go in just to buy some batteries and you end up leaving with a new bedspread, candles, some groceries you don't need, a new camera, and that cd you have been wanting. What is wrong with me, it is like that place sucks me in and I can't stop buying. Oh, I have been wanting a new exercise mat (which I have never owned) and it is only $19.99! And it comes with an instructional video. Towels are on sale too! Better stock up on the toilet paper, you never know when it will be on sale again! I get home and wonder how I went in to spend maybe $10 and I spent $150. Then a couple of months later I wonder where all this crap came from, and why I wasted my money on it. Unfortunately I am one of those people who likes to spend money (don't we all). It simply falls through my hands like sand. But I am getting better. I really want a house that James and I can call our own and raise our children in. I have been depositing money into my savings account every paycheck (a good amount) and I just forget that I am doing it. I am not going to touch that money... it is like it doesn't even exsist (unless there is a REAL emergency that I need it for). Well that is all for now, I have wasted a good 45 minutes of time! Only 71/2 more hours!

Ok, now I am actually going to write about something...

Sorry, that I have 3 posts today! I am just figuring out how to add stuff to my blog, the cheater way... Anyways, today at work my boss was not there and so I got to goof off for the most part! WOO-HOO, can't ask for a less stressful day at work... or so I thought. I have had so many parent phone calls and they are all mad at me because my boss isn't returning their calls. One parent actually had the balls to say that I needed to return the calls if she didn't have time to. I wanted to say, and who do I work for?? .... bitch.... Anyways, So I have been listening to my ipod (courtesy of Uncle David) and dozing off, then I decided that I would play with my blog. Next I plan on putting in a poll to find out which name my family likes most for the baby. I am thinking Noah, Liam, or Elijah. I think that the guys are leaning more toward Noah and all the girls are leaning toward Liam. I like them both. I know that the middle name is going to be John, but that is all that I have so far.

Yesterday, James and I went to Babies R Us and after looking at their very poor selection of baby carriers James actually wanted to go look at the baby clothes (GASP!) I almost wet my pants, considering it is usually like pulling teeth to just get him to look at what I bought the baby. My excitement diminished as soon as it came because what did he go look at... Jersies (sp?), sports outfits, camoflauge, and screen tees that said stuff like, "Little Man" and "Tough Guy." I was mortified. If you know me, you would know that I despise all screen tees (cutie pie, i love mommy, etc), I also hate all things that just scream boy, and what I mean by that is all things that like try to hard to be masculine that they turn out to be tacky and cheap looking. I love things that are cute, classic, but still boyish. James disagrees with that.. he says that his "little man" needs "man" clothes for when he takes him out when he goes to see his friends, or take him to the store... whatever, James already knows that he is not allowed to take the baby around his friends (who are all still in frat boy mode) and he never goes shopping, ever. I am kidding of course (sorta :) ) But still, I told him that he could shop for the baby and get him whatever he wanted, but he couldn't do it while I was around... it makes for less conflict! He thinks that everything I buy the baby is gay, and I think all the things that he likes are tacky! Welcome to the battle of the sexes ladies and gentlemen!

Music for my blog

Boston Video

Boston lyrics - Augustana lyrics

Augustana Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

The Baby Countdown

Let's hope that this works...

The night of the blondes!

Ok, so last night I once again needed someone to go shopping with me so I called Jessica. I needed to collect bags for orientation for the school and I also needed some new maternity clothes that would be appropriate for work. Jess said that she would go but wanted to know if her friend Kelly could come too. "O yah that's fine"... and those were the last words Rachel Roberson ever said....

Ok maybe they aren't my last but I do feel like I died a little inside after hanging out with them. We went to the mall and of course hit all the stores like Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, Claires, Buckle, and then I made a stop at the Baby Gap... Just try to imagine what going out with two beach blondes names Jessica and Kelly would be like if you were a brunette with a brain in your head. Not fun I know. I swear I would try to talk about something that everyone could relate to like work or college or maybe even what movies were out... Kelly wanted to talk about the time that she played strip quarters at that party, or how cute that guy was, or the time she got high at that party, or the time she sat on a cigarette at Jess' party and burned a hole in her skirt, and no lie those are all really things that she talked about (like that's so hard to believe)and Jess, who is smarter than that I know, joined right in with her. I think, wait I know, that my fifteen year old cousins (all three of them going to be sophomores in High School and girls) have more maturity in their pinkie fingers than they do in their entire beings put together. When we were at dinner we were talking about music and she would say that she hated this song or that song and I would say why I might like one of those songs, and follow up with how it is so dramatic... dark.. or the album wouldn't be the same without it, or how unique it was, and she followed up with a statement that went something like, "You know who I hate, I hate artsy people... who like think pictures of a naked woman are beautiful... it's just a naked woman like oh my god like who wants to look at that, unless you're a guy" and Jess said "Yah, standing next to a picture or sculpture of a naked person makes me uncomfortable." Two girls who are both very experienced (that is my nice way of not calling them sluts) feel uncomfortable looking at a drawing of someone who is naked.... mind-boggling!

But, you see what I mean now... one dimensional. I said that in my opinion maybe people see beauty in a woman being free, natural, and completely in her element, and I said that we as woman are beautiful creatures and what is more wonderful than an artist expressing that love for a woman's body. Kelly followed with ,"huh" I am not claiming to be an art critic by any means, I do think however that in order to enjoy something you have to look beyond what's on the surface and make a connection with your world or else you are blind. And who wants to live life in the matrix? Seriously, I wanted to say, open your eyes and use your brain!

In the end, I think this will be the last time that I go out with Kelly and Jessica... unless I get desperate again.

At work

I am at work right now and I am not doing a whole lot of anything! I am just sitting at my desk going blind staring at the computer screen. I can't wait until this Thursday, I am going to take the day off and then I am also going to take next Monday off. Monday will be the real treat because that is the day that I go in to have my sonogram (really my second sonogram). I want them to tell me that it is a boy just like Aunt Doodle told me when she did the sonogram. If they say that it is a girl then I am going to be really pissed. Not because it will be a girl but because then I will be back to square one, with the is it a boy or is it a girl? I am also planning on visiting an old friend from high school. We weren't really close but close enough to be more than just "somebody I went to high school with." But she had a baby this past January, and she takes care of the two kids that her boyfriend already had. Those boys are 3 and 2, and her baby is now 6 months old. She thinks that she might be pregnant again... I think she is crazy... because she wants to have another baby. I don't understand why. I am scared to death for my one baby, and not sure that I am going to be able to provide all the attention that I would like to, and she wants four kids... all of them are either toddlers or babies. Not to mention they are all boys! Wild, unruly boys! I don't know how she thinks she can handle it. And her boyfriend is an abusive asshole! He calls her horrible names like bitch, cunt, piece of shit. He throws stuff at her, he never helps with the kids, and he's an alcoholic. Nice right? And she won't leave. I understand that she thinks she is worthless and that she will fall flat on her face, but she's not and she can't hide behind that when she has a baby to think of. I don't know what I would do if I were in the same situation so I guess that I really can't judge... I just wish that it was her on the outside looking in and then maybe she could see that she is going to become just an empty shell of a person.

Walking on Eggshells

Have you ever wondered if it is you doing something wrong, but you don't understand how? I feel like I am the one who is trying to be reasonable but I don't know. I wish that life was taped like a reality TV show sometimes, that way you could rewind and see what really happend. I don't know what else to do, I have said that I was sorry too many times this morning, but I am not the one yelling at him, he is the one yelling at me. I don't know what I did. When I ask, I am the one who is being mean and unreasonable.... but I don't know how. So I just walked out and started to listen to music. I love music. It always makes me feel better.

When I think about it, he never told me he was sorry.

Early morning

This is me and James being .... I dont really know I just think James' expression is priceless


James and I... I just think this is a good picture

It is early in the morning and I am supposed to be getting ready for a doctor's appointment.... but it can wait. I went to a concert last night but missed the main band (311, who I don't really like) because I got really bummed out (hey what's new?). Before I get to the bummed out part I have to explain about the concert. I went with my "friend" Jess, who couldn't find anyone else to go so she called me. I guess we were both users in the situation because she needed someone to go with and I was her last resort and I didn't really want to go with her or see a band I didn't like, I just needed someway to get out of the house so I could stop complaining about never doing anything. So I go and she gets tickets in the suite (per some guy she works with and for those of you with a dirty mind she doesn't sleep with him for them), The suite is normally empty save for her and her company. Tonight one of the sons of one of the lawyers who owns the suite was there and he brought a whole load of his drunk frat boy friends.... yah.... So needless to say they were all like hey you want some alcohol (so you can slip a roofie... no thanks) ? I just immediately used my "I'm pregnant card" and they were no longer interested in talking to me, but I did worry for Jess. But, at least while I was around, she wasn't going to take anything from them. People were smoking pot (Good Job Security! What did you check my bag for?) it was a bad scene and if I wasn't above it in the suite then I would have left a lot sooner.

So now for the bummed out part, James was supposed to go to the concert with me(we never do anything), and he had to work late so he was going to meet us up there. When I called to ask where he was, he was at home and he was about to eat dinner with my parents. I asked when he was going to come and he said he wasn't he didn't feel like it... Okay I said if you are too tired and just want to stay home then that's fine I totally understand that... but that's not what he did. He told me he didn't feel like going out so later on that night I call him and he went out with his friends to play beer pong (which he plays every Thursday). I thought that I would scream or cry or something, so to keep from embarrassing myself in public I left the stadium and went home.

Surprising myself I didn't cry... I was just pissed off. How could my boyfriend slap me in the face like that... too tired to see me, but not tired enough to go play some stupid drinking game at some stupid bar with his stupid friends (I like the word stupid...). I decided I was not going to go to sleep because when he got home I was going to really let him have it... but then I started to watch TV and started to get less mad and as it got later and later into the early morning I wasn't mad anymore I was worried. Worried that something happened to him, and more worried about why he had to go out tonight and couldn't come see me. Who was he going to see? Why was it so important to be at that place that time? Why was he out so late every Thursday? And the most important question was, Who is she?

When he got home I asked him all of those questions and he couldn't believe that I asked them. He said he would never do anything like that to me, and he couldn't believe that I would think he would. But what am I supposed to think, he used to always choose me over stupid things like beer pong, and now he doesn't? When I said that he used the old "We live together I see you all the time and I only see my friends one night a week" That pissed me off. I told him that he could have gone out Friday or Saturday, I wanted him to be with me for once... to pick me over himself. James is not a selfish guy, I don't mean to make it sound that way... but if he wants to do something then he is going to do it and it doesn't matter if that means leaving me at home crying all night. I told him that... he didn't say much. I told him I felt like I was doing this whole pregnancy thing without him. He hasn't been there much to support me, I never know how he feels about anything, he never wants to talk to me (typical guy I know), and when I really want him to be there (though I never tell him, I want him to do what he wants to) he isn't. We worked it out after a long conversation and I realized that jumping to conclusions and not telling him when I want him to be there wasn't going to work, so I am going to have to be more assertive, and he needs to talk to me more and listen more.... wow we are just like Brady Bunch, we have a moral to the story. Ok this blog is way too long and I really need to get ready... oooo I want pancakes.

No sleep tonight, anything new?

It is like almost midnight and I guess that I have nothing else to do but type in this stupid blog thing. I don't ever expect anyone to read it so I guess that this is just my way of getting out some frustration. I hate people who do the whole woe is me deal but I guess that lately I have been that way. It is just really hard because ever since I found out I was pregnant people treat me differently (as expected). This is both a positive and a negative. A positive in that I have never been closer with my family (and we have always been a tight group), and a negative because I have to give up who I used to be. All the so called friends have moved on and the only time they want to hang-out is when they need to go grocery shopping at Wal-Mart and there is no one else who wants to go with them, or when they have issues and no one else will lend an ear. But when I need them most they're out getting drunk or on a date. I guess that is what the typical 19 year old is like, and I guess that is why I don't have any friends (I am not the typical 19 year old). I was talking to my boyfriend tonight and when I complained that I had no friends (except in my family) He told me to just go talk to people.... how do you do that? Do you just walk up to someone and say "Hey I want to be your friend let's hang out" I am way too shy for that not to mention I have zero social skills. I realized that while I was trying to go to sleep. I told James that there is no one like me, everyone is so immature and self-centered at this point in their lives (aren't all teenagers?) and when people try to talk to me about their hair appointment or how so&so called me this and don't you think that was mean... I really just don't have a whole lot more to say then the typical... yah or mm-hmm. I am not trying to sound like an egotistical jerk when I say this but I just feel like I am on a completely separate level of thinking. I am so over (though I never really was part of it) the parties and the relationship drama and the backstabbing and lies and superficial barbies who have nothing better to do then sleep around and shop...

I don't mind leaving all that behind one bit. I have my baby boy to think about and when he is in my life and I have him to take care of then nothing else is going to matter. I am going to be a mother and that is the greatest gift that anyone can ask for. I have made a promise to myself to be the best mom I can be and to make sure that my child has a life as wonderful as the one that my family has given to me. I hope that that will be enough.