Late Night Thoughts

I was helping James study for his test tommorow, I am really excited about it. He says that he is confident and that makes me confident! It is one step closer to a better job and a better life for our family. When I say "our family" I really get taken aback. It is so weird how much someone's life can change in an instant. Last year this time James was asking me for my number at the movie theater, today I am not working three part-time jobs, I have a benefits and vacation time, I have moved out and moved back in with my mom and brought my boyfriend back for the ride this time, oh yah and there is that whole thing with me being knocked up and all ; ) !

We just celebrated my Grandpa's birthday this past Sunday, my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Burt were in town. It always makes me a little sad when they come. Just because everytime they are here I feel like the girl who went wrong. My Aunt Shirley just loves my cousin Celia. I can't blame her, I mean who could resist falling in love with her. She is the sweetest, smartest, and the most beautiful person I know inside and out (well I know a few other girls too Kari, Melinda, but this is an anecdote and you all weren't here)... I just get jealous that's all. I mean the last time that Aunt Shirley came she raved over all the grandchildren... but me. She was all about how talented they were, how much they had accomplished, and how they all had such great futures ahead of them... they do, it's true. I am just tired of being the one who you don't want to end up like. The one who took the year off of school and now her life is over. No one thinks that I am a loser by any means, but I don't feel like a lot of the older people in my family (grandma age and such) have a whole lot of faith in me anymore. It is not like I am not going to do anything with my life after the baby is born,I am taking on the hardest job of them all... motherhood. Just because you don't make six figures and have a college degree doesn't make you any less of a person than someone who does. I just wish people would see a little more potential in me too, even if it is just being a great mommy. I have gotten over the looks that I get from people who see that I am huge with the pregnant belly, but I don't have a ring on my finger, I have also decided to let go of the people at work who don't want to talk to me anymore because they are so "Holy" that just saying hi or smiling at me might mean that they are starting a relationship with the devil. I know this is just my pregger bitching but I think that it feels good to put yourself out there and not hold any of your feelings back. I don't have any regrets about the choices that I made. They are not what I planned, but things happen and I couldn't be happier with where I am in my life. They are worse things than being pregnant (as a matter of fact I think there is nothing more beautiful or difficult... not even med school). I could be a crack-head... there is nothing good about that. I think as long as I am doing the right thing for me , my baby, my boyfriend, our family, our families (you know who you are) what could be better?

Agh, I hope that I don't make anyone mad by writing this. Sorry if I am being a drama queen. I can't help but to say how I feel. Now, I want chocolate, I am thinking about not posting this... but I changed me mind well here goes