The Age old question...

Why are women so crazy? It is like we have this huge insecurity with ourselves and it makes it really hard to just relax and enjoy life... We are especially dramatic when we are young, or at least that is what I am going to chalk it up to considering the fact that I think I am crazy. James is out with his friend Danny... if you knew Danny then I wouldn't even have to explain, but since I know the only people who read this blog don't know Danny here we go... Danny has a girlfriend, Danny doesn't care that he has a girlfriend, if something better came along then Danny would drop that girlfriend faster than hot iron. Danny and James are at a pool hall. I know that James goes there to hang out with his friends, but I also know that when guys get around their friends they don't act the same as when they are around their girlfriends, as a matter of fact, sorry guys, most of you turn into downright assholes. I know that lots of girls hang out at this particular pool hall, and they aren't the nasty kind that you would expect to see there, most of them are cute college girls... should I be worried NO, but there is that crazy thing that I was talking about. When someone is gone for a long enough period of time and you are sitting at home alone then your mind starts to wonder and I start to think, "I wonder what he is doing? I wonder when he'll be home? Doesn't he want to see me?" The longer and longer that the clock ticks away at you the more and more you start to think things that you shouldn't. Not to say that I don't trust James, I do. I am talking more about the "What if something happend to him?" scenario, and Ok so I do wonder who he is hanging out with too. He can lie all he wants and tell me that it was just him and Danny but like I said if you knew Danny then you would know that when you hang out with him you are pretty much hanging out with 10 other people that you dont' know.

I guess that I just don't get it. I feel like I sit my ass at home, every night, and I don't think that that's fair that I am doing this alone. I feel like James doesn't really understand how hard it is to grow a little person, especially when you feel like your other half is not with you 100%. I know that James cares about me and the baby, he has told me time and time again, and he shows me that he loves us, but I feel like it is only some of the time, not all of the time. Every decision that I make is so that I can make life better for my baby and my family. I don't go to parties, I don't go to bars, I quit smoking, I save money, I take my lunch to work everyday... I know I know... woe is me I need to stop bitching! The whole point is, I want to see that coming from James too. He still has not grown up yet. I grew up the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have someone else to be responsible for now and it is my job to take care of that person... I guess that guys feel like this is the last 9 months that they can goof off and then when the baby comes they show a little more responsibility. I don't think that is fair! What if something was to happen to James, like say he is leaving the bar the same time that a person who has had one too many is leaving, that person crashes into him and he dies... where does that leave me and the baby. I told him that he DOES NOT have the right to die anymore.

I guess alot of this is stress stemming from the fact that my Grandaddy has just found out that he has colon cancer. It am not so upset because he is not well, of course I am upset he is the only grandfather that I have ever had, what I mean is it is just really hard to watch my family fall apart. Everyone is already planning his funeral and walking around depressed like he is dead, HE ISN'T! That is what I told my mom, it is okay to be upset, but don't start to think the worst when we are just getting started with his treatment. I think if I was not well, I certainly wouldn't want everyone crying all the time wondering how many days I had left. I just wish that it wasn't my Grandddy, it is like watching the roots being torn away from a great family tree and seeing the mighty thing die. I know that we will make it through this Better or worse. I hope that one day, I will make a family as great as the one that I have now, and that I will be able to do as much for it as my Grandaddy has done for all of us. I don't know a better man, and I don't think that I ever will.