At work

I am at work right now and I am not doing a whole lot of anything! I am just sitting at my desk going blind staring at the computer screen. I can't wait until this Thursday, I am going to take the day off and then I am also going to take next Monday off. Monday will be the real treat because that is the day that I go in to have my sonogram (really my second sonogram). I want them to tell me that it is a boy just like Aunt Doodle told me when she did the sonogram. If they say that it is a girl then I am going to be really pissed. Not because it will be a girl but because then I will be back to square one, with the is it a boy or is it a girl? I am also planning on visiting an old friend from high school. We weren't really close but close enough to be more than just "somebody I went to high school with." But she had a baby this past January, and she takes care of the two kids that her boyfriend already had. Those boys are 3 and 2, and her baby is now 6 months old. She thinks that she might be pregnant again... I think she is crazy... because she wants to have another baby. I don't understand why. I am scared to death for my one baby, and not sure that I am going to be able to provide all the attention that I would like to, and she wants four kids... all of them are either toddlers or babies. Not to mention they are all boys! Wild, unruly boys! I don't know how she thinks she can handle it. And her boyfriend is an abusive asshole! He calls her horrible names like bitch, cunt, piece of shit. He throws stuff at her, he never helps with the kids, and he's an alcoholic. Nice right? And she won't leave. I understand that she thinks she is worthless and that she will fall flat on her face, but she's not and she can't hide behind that when she has a baby to think of. I don't know what I would do if I were in the same situation so I guess that I really can't judge... I just wish that it was her on the outside looking in and then maybe she could see that she is going to become just an empty shell of a person.

Walking on Eggshells

Have you ever wondered if it is you doing something wrong, but you don't understand how? I feel like I am the one who is trying to be reasonable but I don't know. I wish that life was taped like a reality TV show sometimes, that way you could rewind and see what really happend. I don't know what else to do, I have said that I was sorry too many times this morning, but I am not the one yelling at him, he is the one yelling at me. I don't know what I did. When I ask, I am the one who is being mean and unreasonable.... but I don't know how. So I just walked out and started to listen to music. I love music. It always makes me feel better.

When I think about it, he never told me he was sorry.

Early morning

This is me and James being .... I dont really know I just think James' expression is priceless


James and I... I just think this is a good picture

It is early in the morning and I am supposed to be getting ready for a doctor's appointment.... but it can wait. I went to a concert last night but missed the main band (311, who I don't really like) because I got really bummed out (hey what's new?). Before I get to the bummed out part I have to explain about the concert. I went with my "friend" Jess, who couldn't find anyone else to go so she called me. I guess we were both users in the situation because she needed someone to go with and I was her last resort and I didn't really want to go with her or see a band I didn't like, I just needed someway to get out of the house so I could stop complaining about never doing anything. So I go and she gets tickets in the suite (per some guy she works with and for those of you with a dirty mind she doesn't sleep with him for them), The suite is normally empty save for her and her company. Tonight one of the sons of one of the lawyers who owns the suite was there and he brought a whole load of his drunk frat boy friends.... yah.... So needless to say they were all like hey you want some alcohol (so you can slip a roofie... no thanks) ? I just immediately used my "I'm pregnant card" and they were no longer interested in talking to me, but I did worry for Jess. But, at least while I was around, she wasn't going to take anything from them. People were smoking pot (Good Job Security! What did you check my bag for?) it was a bad scene and if I wasn't above it in the suite then I would have left a lot sooner.

So now for the bummed out part, James was supposed to go to the concert with me(we never do anything), and he had to work late so he was going to meet us up there. When I called to ask where he was, he was at home and he was about to eat dinner with my parents. I asked when he was going to come and he said he wasn't he didn't feel like it... Okay I said if you are too tired and just want to stay home then that's fine I totally understand that... but that's not what he did. He told me he didn't feel like going out so later on that night I call him and he went out with his friends to play beer pong (which he plays every Thursday). I thought that I would scream or cry or something, so to keep from embarrassing myself in public I left the stadium and went home.

Surprising myself I didn't cry... I was just pissed off. How could my boyfriend slap me in the face like that... too tired to see me, but not tired enough to go play some stupid drinking game at some stupid bar with his stupid friends (I like the word stupid...). I decided I was not going to go to sleep because when he got home I was going to really let him have it... but then I started to watch TV and started to get less mad and as it got later and later into the early morning I wasn't mad anymore I was worried. Worried that something happened to him, and more worried about why he had to go out tonight and couldn't come see me. Who was he going to see? Why was it so important to be at that place that time? Why was he out so late every Thursday? And the most important question was, Who is she?

When he got home I asked him all of those questions and he couldn't believe that I asked them. He said he would never do anything like that to me, and he couldn't believe that I would think he would. But what am I supposed to think, he used to always choose me over stupid things like beer pong, and now he doesn't? When I said that he used the old "We live together I see you all the time and I only see my friends one night a week" That pissed me off. I told him that he could have gone out Friday or Saturday, I wanted him to be with me for once... to pick me over himself. James is not a selfish guy, I don't mean to make it sound that way... but if he wants to do something then he is going to do it and it doesn't matter if that means leaving me at home crying all night. I told him that... he didn't say much. I told him I felt like I was doing this whole pregnancy thing without him. He hasn't been there much to support me, I never know how he feels about anything, he never wants to talk to me (typical guy I know), and when I really want him to be there (though I never tell him, I want him to do what he wants to) he isn't. We worked it out after a long conversation and I realized that jumping to conclusions and not telling him when I want him to be there wasn't going to work, so I am going to have to be more assertive, and he needs to talk to me more and listen more.... wow we are just like Brady Bunch, we have a moral to the story. Ok this blog is way too long and I really need to get ready... oooo I want pancakes.

No sleep tonight, anything new?

It is like almost midnight and I guess that I have nothing else to do but type in this stupid blog thing. I don't ever expect anyone to read it so I guess that this is just my way of getting out some frustration. I hate people who do the whole woe is me deal but I guess that lately I have been that way. It is just really hard because ever since I found out I was pregnant people treat me differently (as expected). This is both a positive and a negative. A positive in that I have never been closer with my family (and we have always been a tight group), and a negative because I have to give up who I used to be. All the so called friends have moved on and the only time they want to hang-out is when they need to go grocery shopping at Wal-Mart and there is no one else who wants to go with them, or when they have issues and no one else will lend an ear. But when I need them most they're out getting drunk or on a date. I guess that is what the typical 19 year old is like, and I guess that is why I don't have any friends (I am not the typical 19 year old). I was talking to my boyfriend tonight and when I complained that I had no friends (except in my family) He told me to just go talk to people.... how do you do that? Do you just walk up to someone and say "Hey I want to be your friend let's hang out" I am way too shy for that not to mention I have zero social skills. I realized that while I was trying to go to sleep. I told James that there is no one like me, everyone is so immature and self-centered at this point in their lives (aren't all teenagers?) and when people try to talk to me about their hair appointment or how so&so called me this and don't you think that was mean... I really just don't have a whole lot more to say then the typical... yah or mm-hmm. I am not trying to sound like an egotistical jerk when I say this but I just feel like I am on a completely separate level of thinking. I am so over (though I never really was part of it) the parties and the relationship drama and the backstabbing and lies and superficial barbies who have nothing better to do then sleep around and shop...

I don't mind leaving all that behind one bit. I have my baby boy to think about and when he is in my life and I have him to take care of then nothing else is going to matter. I am going to be a mother and that is the greatest gift that anyone can ask for. I have made a promise to myself to be the best mom I can be and to make sure that my child has a life as wonderful as the one that my family has given to me. I hope that that will be enough.